Dating After Divorce: From Heartbreak to Healthy Love
Here's another check in with a client who worked with me for over two years.
We chatted over the phone last week to celebrate her decision to fully commit to the man she's been dating for over six months.
Through her journey, this lady has used every tool in my coaching toolbox to go through the divorce process, heal from divorce, support her children, process childhood trauma, advance her career, and finally learn when she was ready to date again. We went deep!
The Journey Begins: Healing Before Dating
We started working together almost three years ago after she filed divorce papers on a serially adulterous and abusive ex.
Even though she knew divorce was the right move, the emotional rollercoaster did a number on her productivity at work and her ability to be present with her children.
On top of all of this, the divorce blew the lid off her own childhood trauma.
What we worked on before dating:
💜 Healing the grief, loss and the felt sense of victimization and injustice - she had invested so much in the marriage. She'd been the breadwinner and had been so generous in giving to a person who took advantage of it.
💜 The losses hadn't ended with the divorce because her narcissistic ex got a hefty settlement from her in spite of his infidelity and abuse.
💜 Letting go of self-pity and victim consciousness - which though understandable, was not doing her any favors
💜 Regulating her nervous system to lower the fight response that was souring her relationship with her children. This involved talking about her childhood and the anger and escalating conflict that was normalized there.
💜 Reclaiming her identity and individuality - she had spent so many years holding the relationship together that she had lost her sense of self.
💜 A Relationship Audit and practicing boundaries because she had many family and friend relationships that mirrored the toxic relationship she had with her ex
💜 Setting solid boundaries and gray-rock communication with the toxic ex and reducing the opportunities for him to disrupt her life via co-parenting drama.
💜 As the divorce wrapped up, we worked on taking her career to the next level by asking for a promotion and taking on responsibilities more aligned with her vision for her life after divorce.
All this while she continued working with her therapist because she needed that level of support during the divorce.
The Essential Dating Questions She Needed to Ask Herself
Before jumping back into dating after divorce, we tackled these critical questions:
💚 First wrestling with the decision to create a new relationship or to stay single and how either path could be amazing
💚 Working through the recurring feelings of heartbreak and loneliness from the divorce
💚 When am I ready to date? This was the big question she needed to answer honestly before taking the leap
Dating After Divorce: The Strategy That Worked
Once she felt ready, we created a plan for dating success:
💚 GETTING STARTED! Learning to date again at 43, with children and working through the anxiety that accompanies taking new risks and diving into unfamiliar territory
💚 We worked on her meeting men on apps and IRL: asking for introductions, putting herself out there, going on blind dates, texting, zoom calls, all the things.
💚 Dating questions to ask potential partners became her secret weapon - questions that revealed character, emotional availability, and relationship readiness
💚 Identifying low-effort men early and moving on quickly instead of trying to "fix" them like she did in her marriage
💚 Observing, evaluating, interacting without overattaching until she decided who her partner was.
It only took her a few months to meet The One, a widower, through an introduction from a friend, but the journey of learning healthy relationship patterns has taken almost a year:
Building a Healthy Relationship After Divorce
🧡 We did work on calming her fight/flight response. She frequently overreacted to her partner's flaws and her finger was always hovering over the eject button even with an emotionally available, loving partner
🧡 Setting boundaries in the relationship to not take on her partner's nice guy, well-meaning tendency to "fix" and "save" her
🧡 She learned to ask for want she wanted and to assert herself, including setting the standard of ongoing emotional growth, and insisting he go to therapy to deal with his own stuff from the death of his wife.
🧡 She learned to keep the relationship at the pace that felt safe for her even though he wanted to move faster.
🧡 She continued to make time for herself and her own growth and didn't lose herself in the relationship
In Her Own Words: Dating Success After Divorce at 40+
"Every dollar was totally worth it.
You helped me get divorced and you helped me find love again.
I got to enjoy my life and allowed someone to pursue me.
I learned to stop reacting from my trauma and let love in again.
I'm glad I didn't rush and took time to figure out what I want, and articulate it without compromising.
I made sure he did his own work as well and we established healthy boundaries.
He has been so willing to do the work, not just telling me what I want to hear.
We are able to have conversations about what's working and what isn't and how to choose healthy responses and work constructively together.
I didn't know this kind of love existed.
I didn't know how to receive it and I was afraid it would end.
Just a little tweak in coaching can make a difference in every part of your life.
Thank you, for seeing me through the toughest time of my life."
This is the result of getting into a coaching program that takes you from point A to Z on the journey from divorce to blissful love. This is what dating after divorce can look like when you do the inner work first.
This is the result of working with me.