Dating After Divorce: How to Avoid Low-Effort Men When You're Ready to Date Again
If you're like my clients, you want help with no longer attracting men who don't want to do the work in relationships. This problem is directly tied to what I call a "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect" – something many divorced women over 40 experience when they re-enter the dating world.
What is a "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect"?
It means when you're dating a man who is low-effort in the relationship, it doesn't bother you until it reaches excessive levels. By then, you've already invested months of your precious time.
How to know if this describes your dating patterns:
You don't notice until after the breakup that he was saying things, but his actions didn't match his words
You frequently find yourself doing more than your fair share of the relationship work - calling, creating conversation, scheduling fun and adventure
You find yourself in relationships with no mutual reciprocity. Your partner's contribution is less than fair in attention, time investment and effort, but they always seem to have a good reason
You have a tendency to be over-responsible in all your relationships. You overgive and then feel betrayed when you finally realize you've been left with nothing
Why This Happens When Dating After Divorce
If this describes your dating life, the root cause is that you've become content with not experiencing high levels of care and love. You underestimate what you want and need from a partner. It's possible that your emotional needs were not met as a child or in your previous marriage, and now you've become accustomed to being emotionally neglected.
When this happens, you have no idea what dating questions to ask or what to look for in a potential partner. The unhealthy behaviors go on for months before you realize that, once again, you need to go through a painful breakup.
How to Know When You're Ready to Date Again
Before jumping back into dating after divorce, ask yourself: "Am I ready to prioritize my needs?" Many divorced women over 40 rush back into dating before they've done this important work.
Breaking the Cycle of Attracting Low-Effort Men
1. Learn what your needs are
Identify your emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, intellectual, and lifestyle needs. It's very likely that you are living at a much lower level of life opportunity than you have the potential for. Ask yourself these dating questions: Are you living your best life? What areas are missing? What was missing from your childhood or previous marriage?
2. Make those needs your #1 priority
Your parents can no longer make the emotional deposits you needed as a child, and your ex-husband is no longer responsible for your happiness. It's now your responsibility to do this work. Become equipped to create a life where your needs are being met. Do you have emotional safety and calm? Do you have joy and a sense of fun and adventure?
3. Get clear on what a high-effort man who desires mutual reciprocity looks like
How will you know he is willing to put in the effort? Write it out in detail. What dating questions to ask will reveal his character? What behaviors demonstrate he's not just another low-effort man?
4. Observe your dates and make decisions based on your newfound clarity
Stop ignoring red flags. Apply your standards consistently when dating after divorce.
5. Walk away instead of spending 6 months tolerating neglect
This is perhaps the most crucial step for divorced women over 40 who want to date successfully.
The Payoff: A Healthier Dating Life
Mastering these steps is how you stop attracting low-effort men in the United States dating scene. You will be able to spot them 10 miles away, and they won't even get the opportunity to waste your time. This leaves lots of room for your high-effort teammate and partner to find you.
This process of getting clear on what a healthy relationship looks like is one my clients apply in precise detail in our work together. By knowing when you're truly ready to date again and asking the right dating questions, you can avoid the pitfalls that lead to disappointing relationships and find the love you deserve.