Dating After Divorce: Is Your "Ideal Self" Sabotaging Your Love Life?
Are You Ready to Date Again? The Key Questions to Ask Yourself
When you're considering dating after divorce, ask yourself: Who am I trying to be in the dating world?
Are you:
The self-deprecating, funny, never-offending "best friend" who doesn't understand why men don't take her seriously?
The "motherly" fixer who makes friends with all the men, and then wonders why they choose to date & marry her girlfriends instead of her?
The Persona vs. Your Authentic Dating Self
The Persona is the self you project to the dating world to bridge the gap between who you really are and who you think potential partners want you to be.
It's made up of responses that help you navigate the dating landscape where you feel you can't be yourself and can't quite be your Ideal Self either.
The "Ideal Self" Trap in Dating After Divorce
The Ideal Self is the impossible standard you're supposed to live up to as presented to you by your ex, your family, religion, TV, and dating culture.
The message? That who you really are isn't quite good enough for the dating world.
My Ideal Self was educated, successful, a paragon of virtue (as defined by whoever was in my presence in the moment). A high-achiever, but also pleasing to all, nice and helpful, non-controversial, able to make everyone and everything better.
And I spent decades trying to become her while dating after divorce.
Key Dating Questions to Ask Yourself About Authenticity
The only thing that happens in that process is that who you really are gets buried deep down underneath the Ideal. The Ideal Self makes everything about the Real You "wrong" in the dating world.
And because it's NOT YOU, you can never measure up.
Cue the never-ending cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism that keeps you settling for low-effort men who don't appreciate your true value.
Because every spontaneous impulse or idea has to be examined and questioned and likely tucked away because it was "not right" for dating.
When Am I Really Ready to Date? The Authenticity Test
What would happen if today, you decided you were ready to date as your authentic self and respond from your spontaneous, genuine feelings in each moment?
What would you say or do differently in your dating relationships?
What would change on your dating profile?
Are there important dating questions that you know you're not asking?
Are there conversations you're avoiding with potential partners?
Would you stop shaming yourself for who you really are?
Would you be willing to let go of the low-effort men who can't love the real you?
Dating Success After 40: Embracing Your Authentic Self
How could embracing your authentic self transform your dating results after divorce?
When you know who you truly are, you'll recognize when you're settling for a low-effort man who doesn't deserve you, and you'll have the confidence to wait for someone who appreciates the real you.
The most important dating question to ask yourself isn't "When am I ready to date?" but rather "Am I ready to date as my authentic self?"