What Are You Afraid Of?
At the core of all dating problems is fear.
When I met my husband I was still working through my own fears.
I lived with the fear of dating and meeting people.
And the fear that I would be tricked again. That I would believe a promise from another man who would then turn out to be the wrong man.
And I was very hypervigilant about what might go wrong.
(Full confession, hypervigilance is still an everyday challenge for me. Ask my college kids who are required to let me know every step of their air travel to keep mom at peace.)
But the presence of fear didn’t stop me from diving in and moving from divorce to dating to remarriage.
And it doesn’t have to stop you.
Fear is a normal function of our brain.
But when you don’t know this, you will resist fear and it will morph into the disguise of an “overcompensating certainty, and confidence.”
If you are a very confident, capable, financially solid, and successful woman, your fears won’t look like fear.
It will cover up in “logical” self-protective mechanisms.
Fear says: “Dating apps are terrible and there are no good men out there. All the profiles are disappointing.”
(INTERPRETATION: Even though I know that dating apps are inching close to the way 50% of couples meet, I am sure that I will simply fail and do it wrong again. I always choose wrong, so I will meet another narcissist and get stuck in another toxic relationship.)
So you keep your guard up and swipe left on everyone. You judge and nitpick all profiles until there’s no one in your queue.
FEAR SAYS: “It’s hard to meet anyone in person. No one goes out anymore. My town is too small and there’s no one on my level in this area anyway.
(INTERPRETATION: I’m weird and awkward. I’m not attractive enough. There’s something wrong with me. I’m afraid of being seen in person. I don’t know how to interact in person. I’ll be rejected and I can’t bear that. I’m doomed to failure.)
So you stay home week after week. You put your worst pictures up online, (so the guys know what they are getting into.) You swipe left on everyone because “if they live in this town, they must be losers”
It’s the fear that you will throw yourself into the dating process only to come up empty and disappointed - again.
You want to be certain that it will work before you show up for it.
But showing up is how you make it work.
Logically, you know that you want a partner and there’s someone out there for you.
But your nervous system still seizes up at the thought of what could go wrong on the dating path.
The answer is to work with your fear. The part of you that feels anxiety and worries, overthinks, and ruminates about dating IS NOT BAD OR WRONG.
You don’t need to get rid of it. It’s your protection system, and you need it.
But you need to learn not to let it run you. It’s overworking and you need to prune it back.
You need space for the other part of you that’s ready to create something bold and beautiful after divorce.
The key is to break the only-doom-scenarios-exist pattern of thinking:
I either date no one OR I date a narcissist.
I either stay with this low-effort man OR I stay single forever.
Other things are also true:
You can be cautious about who you date AND date a stream of lovely men.
You can go on 50 first dates AND keep yourself safe from committing to the wrong man.
You can break up with the low-effort man you settle for AND find someone better suited to your love of life and adventure.
Reframing your very normal, we-all-have-them fears is a non-negotiable step that helps you see the buffet of options that are open to you on your dating journey.
Once you know how to work with fear, you will be well on your way to creating your amazing, loving relationship - the one that’s out there waiting for you.
Coaching with me offers a way to shift your emotions and reframe fear while you take massive action that accelerates your path to happily ever after.
Get started by scheduling a consultation call with me: