The Real Truth About Dating After Divorce: Beyond Formulas and Shortcuts
When Am I Really Ready to Date Again?
A client asked me what my husband's profile looked like so she could use that as a model for what she chose.
I told her what it looked like, but I also told her that she couldn't skip over the process I went through to both attract and recognize him when he showed up.
As much as I would have loved the dating after divorce process to be as simple as going down to a Walmart with a list of features and picking a man off the shelf, it didn't happen that way.
I had to completely shift how I looked at myself, how I looked at relationships, and how I showed up to the dating process.
Dating Doesn't Have a No-Brainer, 3-Step Formula for Success
Not if you want to create a loving, nourishing, legacy-leaving relationship.
My original relationship education sounded like this: "find a husband before you graduate college, virginity is the ultimate guarantee for a great marriage, and just submit and you'll be fine."
We all know how that turned out.
If instead of healthy modeling and guidance from healthy adults, you were left to figure it out on your own, or given faulty guidance, you have a gap in maturity making dating an overwhelming and frustrating poop-show.
Thusly, you can't skip over learning how to date and embodying what your healthy relationship looks and feels like.
And winging it just makes the journey longer.
The Dating Questions You Need to Ask Yourself First
The cultural narrative is that we should "just know" how to do this relationship thing.
Which makes you question yourself and beat yourself up for doing it wrong when you hit an obstacle.
You'll think you're supposed to just know what to say and do to make it all happen all at once - and it was due yesterday.
You'll obsess over what could be wrong with you and label yourself with self-sabotage.
And shame makes you shrink and hide - making it even less likely you succeed in dating after divorce.
The shame keeps you forever getting ready to start dating, shadowing the dating apps, and watching the men go by without ever filling out your profile or talking to anyone.
Feeling like a failure because "everyone" else knows how to do it but you.
But What About All the Effortless Success Stories?
Yeah, but what about all the happy relationships that happened without any classes, coaching, or formal learning?
Your friend who married her high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after?
Well, we can assume some people have a natural gift for successful relationships.
Some others had access to organic mentoring and guidance that fuel the small percentage of marriages that stay together AND aren't unhappy.
For every 21-year-old who got happily married, there are a hundred picking up the pieces.
Yep. Some of us just have to figure out dating after divorce later - and that doesn't make you a loser.
Essential Dating Questions to Ask Before You Start
It makes sense that choosing the right fellow human for your life's journey would take some learning, deliberation, curiosity, and self-discovery.
It makes sense that there are some fundamentals you need to practice with intention until you meet someone who's right for you.
Whether you learn the basics of dating formally or organically, you need to ditch the formulas - what worked for your girlfriend may or may not work for you.
You can't use a 6 point formula to know who to swipe on.
You'll want to start with two basics - know who you are inside out to the point that you can express yourself in a relationship without anxiety or shrinking.
And...
Know what you want in another person. This might require learning what you want through getting out there and learning what men are really like.
You might think you want an ambitious man, without realizing that there are many shades of ambition and not all of them will give you the experience you want.
How to Spot a Low-Effort Man While Dating After Divorce
Coaching with me helps you take the role of the loving adult in your own life - nurturing and guiding yourself through your relationship journey in a safe and yet expansive way.
The first step in the process is learning to bring self-discovery, your core values, your best life vision, and your own definition of love into the dating process.
You'll zoom out from simply swiping to seeing the answers to life and love that are already inside of you.
You'll bring your authentic self out for the journey.
When You're Truly Ready to Date, This Is What Happens
The first thing that happens is that you feel an internal glow-up.
Instead of faking it till you make it, you will feel like you're walking through life like a grownup.
You'll trust yourself to handle whatever comes up along the way when you date.
You'll let go of feeling scarce and insecure about your ability to meet your person.
You'll know that you have everything you need to create the extraordinary relationship you want.
You will slow down and explore.
You won't be needy because you're so in touch with yourself that all your emotional needs feel satisfied.
You'll step out looking to share love, not looking to get love.
You'll meet a ton of good men, you'll enjoy the dating process.
You'll experience love every day and you'll create the love you want because enjoying the process is the fuel you need to stay on the path consistently enough to meet the One.
The internal results alone are amazing, but the ultimate result is finding the love you've been yearning for.
Investing those 6 months to create a lifetime of happiness is absolutely worth it.
Learn more about working with me to meet your partner after divorce.