Dating After Divorce: Spotting Low-Effort Men & Finding True Connection
When you're ready to date after divorce, especially as a woman over 40, recognizing the difference between men who will prioritize your relationship and those who won't is essential. Let me optimize this valuable content while preserving the powerful storytelling and insights that make it so effective.
The High-Effort Example
My husband has sent me a SnapChat message everyday for the last 5 years.
It seems like a little thing, but when you add to the hundred other ways he prioritizes a relationship with me, it all adds up to what a high effort man looks like.
No matter what's going on with me or in our lives, he has always and is always willing to do the work of creating a great relationship.
I didn't always have this experience.
Dating Red Flags: The Low-Effort Man
I dated some low effort guys. Here is an email that a man I'll call Cody sent me after I stopped responding to his texts because I was finally done with the off-again, on-again nature of the relationship:
---------------------------- Subject: Howdy ** Hey - just wanted to see how things are for you.** ** Hope all is good.** ** I am sure that it is - you are a bit of a rock star.** ** Anyway - if you don't feel like replying that is ok - just wanted to say hi.** ** -cody** ---------------------------
Cody always responded to my texts and he would initiate contact. He took me to the movies and dinner. He was fun, smart and we had great conversations.
It took me months to figure out that the relationship was going nowhere. There was no obvious sign.
Dating Questions to Ask Yourself
He always answered positively when I asked about a commitment, but I started to notice that there was no integration into each other's lives. He canceled opportunities to meet my friends.
There were long absences for "good reasons" and other very subtle signs that my intuition picked up on.
So I broke off the relationship amicably and distanced myself.
In truth, there was no real relationship to break off. It just seemed like there was one and I fell for it, wasting months I could have spent on other things.
When Am I Ready to Date Seriously?
Even after I broke it off, he would text every couple of months for the next 18 months hoping to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Because a low-effort man has nothing to lose, he is willing to show up sometimes.
It was a leap of faith to let him go and change my dating strategy. I refocused, raised my standards even more and redirected my efforts and energy to meet The One.
I learned a valuable lesson from Cody: Moving on quickly from the wrong men is the key to finding love quickly. I took the lesson and ran with it.
Dating After Divorce: The Hidden Challenges
To do this, I had to learn to tell the subtle difference between a low-effort man who puts out actions that are confusing and a man who is truly invested.
I gained that skill and a few months later, I was in an exclusive relationship with my husband.
There isn't a formula or checklist for this. It's a dynamic skill you learn and practice. Cody is only one type of low effort kind, there are many versions, so it's easy to get tricked.
You have to know in the moment of interaction what kind of information to gather, train your intuition to be savvy, learn to listen quickly to your intuition, interpret correctly and make a decision without second guessing yourself.
Finding Dating Success After 40
If finding love is taking you years, I can help you train your intuition to stop falling into relationships that are more of "textuationships" or "situationships" and are going nowhere.
When you work with me, you will learn the subtle nuances that are the difference between a husband who knows you are a rock star and treats you like it and a low-effort man who knows it but still won't show up for you.
Some low-effort men will engage actively in conversation and even pursue a committed relationship, but will never put in the emotional work that nourishes the other partner.
It takes about a few weeks of dating a stream of decent men to master the skill of reading the subtle signs of low-effort men so you can move on as early as the first few days of texting or the first date.