Looking for a Man with Right Package: Dating Successfully After Divorce
Finding Your Perfect Match (Who Won't Come in a Perfect Package)
The perfect guy for you will come in the "right package" not in a "perfect package." This is crucial to understand when you're dating after divorce. As women over 40 navigating the dating scene, we often carry expectations shaped by past relationships:
The loving, affectionate man may be a bit of a people pleaser
The ambitious high-excellence man may want to take his laptop on vacation
The handy dandy DIY guy may not want to pick up a book
The cute Ph.D. may like his meat and potatoes
The fitness buddy might run from dance classes
The growth-minded, podcast-loving man may not want to go to the gym more than twice a week
Understanding this reality isn't about settling. It's quite the opposite.
When Are You Ready to Date Again?
You're ready to date when you can:
Shift out of the tendency to think in extremes (all-or-nothing thinking)
Recognize and avoid non-committal, low-effort men
Set boundaries around relationships that don't serve you
Deep dive into what REALLY constitutes a nourishing, feels-like-home relationship for you
Let go of conditioning from past relationships and media influences
Dating after divorce isn't about making a simple list of 10 qualities to look for in a man. It requires turning your attention inward and engaging your true self to determine what is meaningful to you. It means owning your brilliance and being willing to express it regardless of what others think.
Essential Dating Questions to Ask Yourself
Am I attracting low-effort men repeatedly? If so, why?
What patterns from my past relationships am I recreating?
Can I recognize the difference between compromise and settling?
What did love look like in my childhood home, and how might that be influencing my choices?
Am I dismissing potentially good matches based on superficial criteria?
Recognizing Quality Partners vs. Low-Effort Men
Some women are unaware of what a good man looks, smells, talks, and walks like. Without guidance, they struggle to reset their unconscious imprint of who is healthy and who isn't.
Why This Matters: Humans select partners based on the personalities we became conditioned to early on. Without awareness, what love looked like when we were young remains what love looks like now. Sometimes, we try to run from that imprint and swing to the other extreme.
Case Study: Overcoming Dating Blindspots
One client swiped left on every physician on dating apps because she had grown up with several physicians. Those experiences gave her the thought error "They are all OCD," even though there were non-physicians in her family who also had OCD tendencies. The issue was genetic, not professional. This unchallenged belief led her to dismiss men at her intellectual level.
Practical Steps for Dating Success
Reset Your Relationship Blueprint
Create opportunities to observe and engage with healthy men, even if they aren't potential partners
Use in-person experiences as the best reset button to understand what healthy relationships look and feel like
Get feedback on your dating app choices (consider having a trusted friend review your swiping decisions)
Review your dates to make conscious decisions about each one
Consider rating potential partners on compatibility factors to clarify your decisions
Building a Healthy Dating Pipeline
With the right approach, you can create a steady stream of good men and enjoy 1-2 quality first dates every week. By consistently reviewing your experiences and refining your approach, you'll connect with increasingly compatible men who are on your wavelength.
The goal is to move beyond:
"Perfect package" men who don't want to commit
"Ugh-but-maybe-this-is-the-best-I-can-get" compromises
"At-least-he's-not-a-narcissist" settling
Instead, you'll work toward finding the one who is a 100% YES—a partner for shared coffee mornings, vacations, and a guaranteed plus-one forever, ending those Friday blues of wondering what to do on the weekend.
Remember: Quality Dating Takes Effort
Dating after divorce requires intention and self-awareness. By understanding what you truly need versus what you've been conditioned to accept, you'll be equipped to find a partner who complements your life rather than complicates it.
The right man may not check every box on your ideal list, but he'll bring value, commitment, and companionship to your life in ways that truly matter.