How to Stop Attracting Low-Effort Men
Are you tired of attracting low-effort men in dating and relationships, especially after divorce? It’s important that both partners in a relationship are truly invested in the success of the relationship. Bare minimum actions on the part of either partner are not enough to sustain a relationship
In this episode I share my personal experience with high and low effort men when dating.
You will discover the factors that may increase the likelihood of tolerating low effort relationships, such as societal expectations, gender socialization, childhood emotional neglect, codependency, and love addiction, and learn how to break free from these patterns.
You’ll also learn the significance of being open and exploratory in the dating process, not relying on a rigid checklist or formula to determine compatibility.
Finally you’ll find out how feedback and self-awareness can help you identify and avoid low-effort men, and develop your intuition to make better decisions in the future.
Dating after Divorce Podcast 174-How to Stop Attracting Low-Effort Men
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
Low-effort men, dating after divorce, relationship expectations, emotional neglect, people-pleasing, co-dependency, love addiction, texting strategies, high-effort men, nourishing relationships, intuition training, relationship standards, consultation call, personal growth, commitment-minded.
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Dating After Divorce podcast. I'm your host, Sade Curry, and I believe every divorced woman deserves a romantic relationship where she feels safe, loved and cherished. You can create the most amazing life after divorce, and I will teach you how.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Dating After Divorce podcast. I am your host, Sade Curry, and today I want to talk about low-effort men. This is a common experience, and many worry about getting stuck with someone who is low-effort. Many clients feel they attract these people, or that these people see something about them and want to be with them.
The answer is yes and no. There are low-effort people in the world, including low-effort women. Due to gender socialization, there seem to be more low-effort men because expectations of men in relationships have been low for centuries. We're currently in the middle of a shift, but just because men have been socialized this way doesn't mean you need to settle for a relationship where someone doesn't show up as you envision.
I've had experiences with low-effort men, and I'll share one of those stories today. Regarding whether you attract them - everyone encounters these men. However, if you grew up with childhood emotional neglect, were in an abusive or neglectful relationship, are a people-pleaser, co-dependent, over-function, or have a high tolerance for not being cared for, these triggers can connect you to these men. Past experiences may make these men feel normal, healthy, and like home. You don't "magnetize" them to you, but when they appear, you tolerate them because you feel comfortable in those relationships.
Another way you "attract" them is through your messaging - how you present yourself in relationships, on dating profiles, and in texting. This sends signals that you might tolerate a lower-effort relationship.
Speaking of texts, if you missed my webinar last Friday (April 28), the replay link is in the show notes. The webinar covers seven texts to connect with active, growth-minded, high-effort, commitment-minded men. This is the texting process I teach clients and used in my own dating relationship. Some texts are word-for-word what I sent to my husband and others I dated. They work, especially when your dating strategy and messaging are dialed in. I explain the psychology behind why this approach works better than much of what you see online.
Back to low-effort men. My husband is high-effort - he invests in our relationship and wants to see it succeed. He's presented this way since we met, always arranging the next date and sending thoughtful invitations. On our third or fourth date, he wrote out a scroll inviting me to an Italian restaurant. He sends me a Snapchat message daily to maintain our streak. I sometimes almost drop the streak but show up in other ways. He's always willing to invest and do the work. We don't always get it right, but because we're both willing to invest, we always find our way.
I did encounter low-effort men. One in particular I dated on and off for months because I didn't recognize the signs at the time. I met him on an app. He was interested, conversational, and asked many questions. This is why I tell people that just because a man asks questions doesn't mean he's right for you. Without being open and exploratory in this process, learning and optimizing your strategy, you can get pigeonholed following a rigid path.
He was great at conversation, phone calls, and showing up for dates, but weeks in, he would go on "business trips" (I'm making air quotes). During these trips, I'd get strange pictures of places he visited - he was never in the pictures. Looking back, it was obvious. Sometimes he couldn't attend dates involving my friends. He always managed to be unavailable for those, yet we had great dates when it was just us. He lived about an hour and 15 minutes away, which sometimes became an excuse not to meet. Looking back, there were numerous signs.
I finally caught on and ended things. After about six months of no contact, he emailed me with the subject "Howdy," saying: "Hey, just wanted to see how things are for you. Hope all is good. I'm sure that it is. You are a bit of a rock star anyway. If you don't feel like replying, that's okay. I just wanted to say hi, Cody." (That's not his real name.)
I used to receive messages like this after his disappearances - affirming and validating. A low-effort man can also build you up, so don't fall for that either. Coming from a background without much validation or acknowledgment of my brilliance, and having been in a marriage where I was put down, this validation felt good. The acknowledgment of how amazing I am was the bait that kept me connected with someone low-effort.
Low-effort men can appear to be making efforts. I've spoken with clients who thought they were in relationships with men who texted them every morning and evening but wouldn't show up in person for weeks.
Tolerating low-effort people is an easy trap. It's not necessarily your fault - it's influenced by socialization and past experiences. If you haven't experienced a truly nourishing relationship, you might not recognize the signs or know the difference.
To tell the difference, first truly absorb what a healthy, nourishing relationship feels like. I give my clients exercises like the "good man scavenger hunt" where we look for glimmers of safety and nourishment. We work on raising their standards in all relationships. You can start raising your standards for how nourished you are in relationships now, whether or not you're dating, to embody what it feels like to be well-cared for by yourself and others.
There's no formula or checklist - it's a dynamic skill. I coach clients based on their specific situations. We examine which relationships show patterns of tolerating neglect and lack of support. Since there's not just one type of low-effort man, we analyze the particular person and situation.
When working with clients, we provide feedback on what's happening moment by moment. We examine: What happened? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What did he do? This helps identify missed signs. Generally, the first month of working with me establishes the foundation, then clients start meeting men while we optimize their process through these moment-by-moment check-ins. They build understanding of who is good for them and who isn't.
They train their intuition to be savvy and learn to listen to it. They verify their intuitions so they're not being judgmental or making impulsive decisions. We address the challenge of women being conditioned to second-guess themselves, wonder if they're making the right decision, experience FOMO when letting someone go, or worry about being "too picky." We eliminate all that, so clients learn the nuances - like the difference between someone who says you're a rock star versus someone who treats you like one.
You never want to invest weeks or months with these men. When you let them go quickly, it feels like you've stopped attracting them because they're just moving by. Your energy, effort, and attention are spent only on men who truly want commitment, men who are good, men whose company you enjoy, men who show up - so you can choose the one you want.
Spend time thinking about your past experiences. What you tolerate might differ from what another woman tolerates, which is why I don't give a checklist. What have you tolerated? How can you learn from that? How can you shift so it doesn't keep happening? How can you show up differently and think differently to make different decisions when you encounter these situations?
If you want help learning and practicing this to accelerate the process, schedule a consultation call with me. We'll audit your current mindset, activities, and results. If they're not what you want, we'll map out where working with me could help, what changes you could make, or skills you need to develop. You can decide if my program fits you, and I'll give honest feedback about whether it's right for you. I've referred potential clients to other coaches or suggested therapy first when appropriate.
Go to the show notes to download the seven texts workshop and book your consultation call. Spots are available as early as tomorrow (May 2). We can discuss how this work can revolutionize your journey to finding the partner you want.
Thanks for listening today. If you're ready to get married after divorce, download my free eight-video training designed to help divorced women date with ease and get married again. Head over to SadeCurry.com to get started. That's S-A-D-E-C-U-R-R-Y.com. I'll see you inside.