2 Essential Steps for Dating Successfully After Divorce
A client recently asked me what my husband's dating profile looked like so she could use that as a template for her search. While I shared those details, I had to be honest with her – you can't skip over the personal journey I went through to both attract and recognize him when he appeared in my life.
As much as I would have loved the process to be as simple as going down to a Walmart with a list of features and picking a man off the shelf, dating after divorce doesn't work that way. I had to completely shift how I viewed myself, how I understood relationships, and how I approached the dating process itself.
When Am I Ready to Date Again?
Dating doesn't have a no-brainer, 3-step formula for success – especially not if you want to create a loving, nourishing, legacy-leaving relationship.
My original relationship education sounded like this: "find a husband before you graduate college, virginity is the ultimate guarantee for a great marriage, and just submit and you'll be fine."
We all know how that turned out.
If instead of healthy modeling and guidance from emotionally mature adults, you were left to figure relationships out on your own or given faulty guidance, you likely have a gap in relationship maturity. This makes dating after divorce an overwhelming and frustrating experience.
You can't skip over learning how to date and embodying what your healthy relationship looks and feels like. And winging it just makes the journey longer.
The Truth About Dating After 40
The cultural narrative suggests we should "just know" how to do this relationship thing, which makes you question yourself and beat yourself up for doing it wrong when you hit obstacles.
You might think you're supposed to intuitively know what to say and do to make everything happen at once – and it was due yesterday. This leads to obsessing over what could be wrong with you and labeling yourself with "self-sabotage."
This shame keeps you forever getting ready to start dating, shadowing the dating apps, and watching potential partners go by without ever filling out your profile or interacting with anyone. You end up feeling like a failure because "everyone" else seems to know how to do it but you.
Spotting the Low-Effort Man
"But what about all the happy relationships that happened without any classes, coaching, or formal learning?" you might ask. What about your friend who married her high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after?
Well, some people have a natural gift for successful relationships. Others had access to organic mentoring that fuels the small percentage of marriages that stay together AND remain happy. For every 21-year-old who got happily married, there are a hundred picking up the pieces.
Some of us just have to figure it out later – and that doesn't make you a loser.
It makes perfect sense that choosing the right fellow human for your life's journey would take some learning, deliberation, curiosity, and self-discovery. It makes sense that there are fundamentals you need to practice intentionally until you meet someone who's right for you.
Dating Questions to Ask Yourself First
Whether you learn the basics of dating formally or organically, you need to ditch the formulas – what worked for your girlfriend may not work for you. You can't use a 6-point checklist to know who to swipe on.
You'll want to start with two essentials:
Know who you are inside out to the point that you can express yourself in a relationship without anxiety or shrinking.
Know what you want in another person. This might require learning through direct experience what men are really like.
You might think you want an ambitious man, without realizing there are many shades of ambition, and not all of them will give you the experience you're seeking. Learning to spot a low-effort man early saves time and heartache.
The Path Forward in Dating After Divorce
Coaching helps you take the role of the loving adult in your own life – nurturing and guiding yourself through your relationship journey in a safe yet expansive way.
The first step is learning to bring self-discovery, your core values, your best life vision, and your own definition of love into the dating process. You'll zoom out from simply swiping to seeing the answers to life and love that are already inside you.
As you bring your authentic self out for the journey, you'll experience an internal transformation. Instead of faking it till you make it, you'll feel like you're navigating life as a grownup. You'll trust yourself to handle whatever comes up when you date.
You'll let go of feeling scarce and insecure about your ability to meet your person. You'll know that you have everything you need to create the extraordinary relationship you want.
The Right Dating Questions to Ask
You'll slow down and explore. You won't approach dating from a place of neediness because you're so in touch with yourself that your emotional needs feel satisfied. You'll step out looking to share love, not desperate to get love.
You'll meet plenty of good men and actually enjoy the dating process. You'll experience connection every day and create the love you want because enjoying the process provides the fuel you need to stay consistent enough to meet the right person.
The internal results alone are amazing, but the ultimate outcome is finding the love you've been yearning for. Investing those 6 months to create a lifetime of happiness is absolutely worth it.
Learn more about working with me to meet your partner after divorce.