Dating Successfully After Divorce: How to Avoid Low-Effort Men
If you're like my clients, you're a divorced woman over 40 wanting help with no longer attracting men who don't want to do the work in relationships. This problem is directly tied to what I call a "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect" - a common challenge when dating after divorce.
What is "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect"?
It means when you're dating a man who is low effort in the relationship, it doesn't bother you until it reaches excessive levels. By then, you've already invested months of your time.
Signs You Have This Pattern in Your Dating Life
You don't notice until after the breakup that he was saying all the right dating things, but his actions didn't match
When dating, you frequently find yourself doing more than your fair share of the relationship work - calling, creating conversation, scheduling fun and adventure
You find yourself in relationships with no mutual reciprocity when dating after divorce. Your partner's contribution is less than fair in attention, time investment and effort, but they always seem to have a good reason
You have a tendency to be over-responsible in all your relationships. You overgive and then feel betrayed when you finally realize you've been left with nothing
Why This Happens in Your Dating Journey
If this is you, the root cause is that you've become content with not experiencing high levels of care and love. You underestimate what you want and need from a dating partner. It's possible that your emotional needs were not met as a child or in your previous marriage and now you have become accustomed to being emotionally neglected.
When this happens, you have no idea what dating questions to ask or what to look for in a potential partner. The concerning behaviors go on for months before you realize that, once again, you need to go through a painful breakup.
How to Break the Cycle When Dating After Divorce
1. Learn what your needs are
Emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, intellectual, lifestyle - all of these matter when determining when you are ready to date again. It's very likely that you are living at a much lower level of life opportunity than you have the potential for. Ask yourself: Are you living your best life? What areas are missing? What was missing from your childhood?
2. Make those needs your #1 priority when dating
Your parents can no longer make the emotional deposits you needed as a child. It's now your responsibility to do this work. Become equipped to create a dating life where your needs are being met. Do you have emotional safety and calm? Do you have joy and a sense of fun and adventure?
3. Get clear on what a man who desires mutual reciprocity looks like
This is one of the essential dating questions to ask yourself. How will you know he is willing to put in the effort? Write it out in detail so you can recognize it when dating.
4. Observe your dates with intention
Make decisions based on your newfound clarity around effort. Pay attention to how he shows up - is he a low-effort man or someone who genuinely wants to contribute to building something special?
5. Walk away sooner
Instead of spending 6 months tolerating neglect in your dating life, recognize the signs early and move on.
The Result of Your Dating Transformation
Mastering these steps is how you stop attracting low-effort men when dating after divorce. You will be able to spot them from 10 miles away, and they won't even get the opportunity to waste your time. This leaves lots of room for your high-effort teammate and partner to find you.
This process of getting clear on what a healthy relationship looks like and knowing when you are truly ready to date again is one my clients apply in precise detail in our work together. Dating after divorce doesn't have to mean settling for less - you deserve someone who matches your effort and commitment.