Dating After Divorce: Avoiding Rabbit Trails and Finding True Love
When you're dating after divorce, especially as a woman over 40, your brain will start trying to solve a very different problem from the one you set out to solve.
You set out to find a life partner, someone loving, interesting, trustworthy, committed and compatible with you on all levels. These are the essential dating questions to ask yourself before you begin this journey.
But soon, your brain sabotages your goal by running off on other rabbit trails.
The Dating Detective Trail
You get a text from someone shady, and then you set out to catch him in a lie. You want to verify what's true or not true. You fill your hours with reverse image searches, court record checks, and internet research. Your brain wants the high from figuring him out and proving him wrong.
The Crumb-Seeking Trail
You meet a low-effort man who texts infrequently and you set out to figure out, "How do I get this person to text me back?" You'll find yourself checking your phone 1000 times a day waiting for the dopamine hit from a single text. A crumb of validation before he disappears for another two weeks.
The "Good Enough" Trail
Or you decide that the current guy is good enough to "fill the gap for now." Your brain develops tunnel vision about one person because it is seeking comfort, pleasure and the security of not being alone. Your brain doesn't particularly care if he's right for you or not, or if you're loved and cherished in the relationship.
Why This Happens When Dating After Divorce
It's an urge to overattach and it clouds your perspective. You forget that there is an abundance of new people and new opportunities available to you every single day.
But it's not happening because there's something wrong with you or because you're broken. It's happening because this is how the brain was designed to work.
Dating after divorce feels like a VERY SCARY GOAL, so the brain wants to keep you safe either by:
Distracting you with the busywork of trying to figure out a clearly unsuitable guy, or
Latching on to the nearest warm body and hyperfocusing there
You forget to ask the important dating questions: Is this person even a match for you? Does he align with your vision for the relationship you set out to find?
You forget that there's a big beautiful world out there and an abundance of good people to meet. You're stuck in the tiny bubble created by one person.
This is what turns the dating journey into a long and windy emotional rollercoaster. Either way it gets you to slow down or give up on the pursuit of the VERY SCARY GOAL of a healthy relationship. It wants to keep you from feeling potential failure or disappointment.
When Am I Ready to Date? The Real Questions
Dating is not about figuring each man out. It's not about what to say to get him to text you back. It's not about keeping him attracted so you don't lose him. It's not about research, and obsessive overthinking.
Successful dating after divorce is about keeping your long-term goal in view and evaluating every dating interaction from that place. It's about a clear focus on living a life big enough to bring you into contact with a true match for you.
Once you have the right tools, you can end the confusing rollercoaster and own the dating journey. You can keep your space clear for the right man instead of wasting months on the low-effort man who's clearly wrong for you.
Breaking Free from Dating Rabbit Trails
To keep the lower brain from sabotaging your search, I teach you the skill of non-attachment - redirecting yourself back to your original goal and relationship standards and keeping your focus there until you meet the one.
This is work that is worth doing. Imagine meeting your person and having him for the rest of your life. Deleting the dating apps - knowing that you've deleted them for the last time. Imagine planning the wedding and years ahead of laughter and companionship.
This is the very scary goal that your lower brain is afraid you won't achieve, but it is 100% available to you if you want it.
I can help you make dating after divorce simple and successful. Let's have a conversation about when you're ready to date and how to do it right.