Dating After Divorce: How to Identify a Low-Effort Man
When Am I Ready to Date? First, Know Who to Avoid
My husband thinks I'm a rockstar.
Last night he brought home a book titled "The 100 Most Influential Women of All Time." He said he was mad at the writers because I should have been listed in it. This is why I love the guy 😆. He is a super-high effort man.
But, a low-effort man, Cody (not his real name) that I dated for some months after my divorce also thought I was a rockstar and he said so often.
Here's an email that he sent me after I stopped responding to his texts:
Subject: Howdy
Hey - just wanted to see how things are for you. Hope all is good. I am sure that it is - you are a bit of a rock star. Anyway - if you don't feel like replying that is ok - just wanted to say hi. -cody
Cody always responded to my texts and he would initiate contact. He took me to the movies and dinner. He was fun, smart and we had great conversations.
It took me months to figure out that the dating relationship was going nowhere. There was no obvious sign.
He always answered positively when I asked about a commitment, but I started to notice that there was no integration into each other's lives. He canceled opportunities to meet my friends.
There were long absences for "good reasons" and other very subtle signs that my intuition picked up on.
So I broke off the relationship amicably and distanced myself. In truth, there was no real relationship to break off. It just seemed like there was one and I fell for it, wasting months I could have spent dating someone who was actually ready for commitment.
Even after I broke it off, he would text every couple of months for the next 18 months hoping to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Because he had nothing to lose. But I had moved on.
I learned a valuable lesson from Cody: Moving on quickly from the wrong men is the key to finding love quickly after divorce. I took the lesson and ran with it.
Less than a year later, I was in an exclusive relationship with my husband.
Essential Dating Questions to Ask: Is He a Low-Effort Man?
Here are some signs you are with a low-effort man who is only doing the bare minimum in the relationship:
1. He Only Communicates When It's Convenient for Him
He disappears for days, only texts when he's bored, or responds with one-word answers. There's no consistency, just convenience.
2. He Doesn't Plan Dates—You Always Have to Initiate
If you don't suggest plans, nothing happens. He's fine with "hanging out" but won't put in effort to create meaningful dating experiences together.
3. His Words Don't Match His Actions
He says he likes you but doesn't act like it. Lots of sweet talk, but when it's time to show up, he's MIA.
4. He Expects You to Do All the Emotional Labor
You check in on him, support him, and remember important dates—but he doesn't reciprocate. It feels like a one-sided relationship.
5. He Avoids Defining the Relationship
He keeps things vague with phrases like "Let's just go with the flow" or "I don't like labels"—but expects you to treat him like a boyfriend.
6. He Puts in Effort When He Feels Like It
One week he's texting and making plans, the next he's distant and cold. His attention is inconsistent, making you question where you stand.
7. He Doesn't Make You Feel Special
You feel like just another option, not a priority. He doesn't go out of his way to make you feel cherished or valued.
8. He's Fine With Minimal Effort—And Expects You to Be Grateful
A good morning text or occasional compliment is the peak of his effort, and he acts like he's doing the most.
9. He's Not Interested in Your Life
He barely asks about your day, your dreams, or your struggles. Conversations revolve around him or stay surface-level.
10. You Feel More Drained Than Happy
Instead of feeling excited and secure, you feel frustrated, anxious, or like you're chasing after him for attention.
If these sound familiar, it's time to ask: Do you want to keep investing in someone who won't invest in you?
Dating After Divorce: What to Do If You Find Yourself With a Bare Minimum Partner
1. Acknowledge the Reality
Instead of making excuses for him ("Maybe he's just busy" or "Maybe he'll change")—recognize the pattern. If he's consistently low-effort, this is who he is.
2. Stop Overcompensating
If you've been doing all the work—texting first, making plans, and keeping the connection alive—it's time to pull back and see what he does. If he doesn't step up, that's your answer.
3. Have a Direct Conversation
Say something like: "I've noticed that I'm the one putting in most of the effort here, and that's not what I want in a relationship. Are you interested in building something real, or are we just casually passing time?" If he dodges the question, becomes defensive, or gives a vague answer, that's a red flag.
4. Set Boundaries
Decide what you will and won't tolerate. If you want a partner who prioritizes you, you can't keep accepting bare minimum behavior.
5. Stop Waiting for Him to Change
A low-effort man isn't suddenly going to become a high-effort man just because you want him to. Change has to come from him—and if he hasn't changed by now, he probably won't.
6. Shift Your Energy Elsewhere
Instead of overinvesting in someone who won't invest in you, pour your energy into yourself, people and activities that make you feel valued, confident, and loved.
7. Be Willing to Walk Away
The best way to attract a high-effort man is to stop entertaining low-effort ones. If he's not meeting your needs, free yourself up for someone who will.
When Am I Ready to Date Successfully After Divorce?
You're ready to date when you can recognize these patterns and have the courage to walk away from relationships that don't serve you. Dating after divorce, especially for women over 40, requires a new level of wisdom and self-awareness.
Remember: A man who truly values you will put in consistent effort to be part of your life. Don't settle for less.