The Perils of the “Just Friends” Holding Pattern
Intro:
It can feel polite, even compassionate, to offer friendship when romance isn’t sparking—especially if you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings. But as I often tell my coaching clients, “kind” doesn’t always mean “helpful.” When romantic interest is unclear—or one-sided—trying to slot someone neatly into the friend zone too soon can keep both people in a confusing limbo.
Dear Sade,
I recently met someone through mutual friends. He’s a nice guy, and I can tell he’s interested in me, but I don’t think I feel the same way. Still, I don’t want to be rude or cut him off completely, so I was thinking of telling him we should just be friends. The thing is, I’m not even sure we’d actually be good friends—we’ve only hung out a couple of times, and it’s always been in a flirty context. Is “let’s be friends” the right way to handle this, or is there a better way?
—Confused in Connection
Dear Confused,
Here’s the tricky truth: “Let’s be friends” often sounds like kindness, but in situations like yours, it can actually be a slow, lingering no. It keeps him tethered to the possibility of something more—while keeping you entangled in his attention—without a real friendship or romance ever taking root. That limbo isn’t good for either of you.
When you haven’t spent enough time together outside of attraction or dating contexts, you don’t really know if you want this person as a friend. And you’re not obligated to make that decision right now—or at all. Friendships, like romances, require genuine desire to connect in that way. If you already suspect the connection isn’t aligned romantically and you’re unsure about a platonic bond, it’s perfectly okay to simply release the relationship.
This is not about being cold—it’s about being clear. Instead of offering friendship as a consolation prize, you can express gratitude for the time you’ve shared and let him know you don’t see it progressing romantically. That clarity is a gift. It frees both of you to pursue connections where the interest is mutual and wholehearted.
Remember: You’re not here to collect “maybe” relationships—whether in romance or friendship. You’re here to invest in the ones that truly fit.
—Sade
Sade Curry is a Life Coach for Divorced Women. She helps them create an extraordinary life and love after divorce. She is the host of the Top 10 Audible rated Dating after Divorce podcast. Sade is certified in Life, Career & Relationship Coaching, Trauma Coaching, and Feminist Coaching. Send a message to work privately with Sade.
When "Just Friends" Isn't Really Just Friends
We've all been there—that awkward moment when you realize a romantic connection isn't developing the way you hoped, and you're wondering if friendship might be the consolation prize. But what happens when trying to preserve a connection as "just friends" actually creates more confusion than clarity? Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and others is to let go entirely.
Dear Sade,
I've been talking to someone I met on a dating app for a few weeks now. We've had some good conversations, but I'm realizing I don't feel that romantic spark I was hoping for. Part of me wants to send him a text saying we should just be friends, but I'm also not sure if that's what I actually want or if I'm just trying to soften the blow of ending things. He seems really interested in me, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Should I suggest we stay friends, or is it better to just end it cleanly? I feel like I'm overthinking this whole situation.
Confused in Chicago
Dear Confused,
Your instinct to question the "let's be friends" text is spot-on, and here's why: you're not really looking to collect a new friend—you're trying to cushion a rejection. There's nothing wrong with that impulse; it comes from a place of caring. But let's get honest about what "being friends" actually means in this context.
First, ask yourself this essential question: Do you genuinely want this person as a friend in your life? Not because you feel guilty, not because you want to soften disappointment, but because you truly value who they are and want an authentic friendship. If you can't answer that with a clear yes, then you have your answer.
The reality is that when romantic interest exists on one side—and he's shown he's interested in you romantically—suggesting friendship often creates a confusing limbo that serves no one well. There's always that underlying tension of "are we going somewhere or aren't we?" It keeps both of you in an uncomfortable holding pattern where neither person can fully move forward.
You mentioned you don't even know if you want to be friends with him yet, and that's perfectly valid. You've been getting to know each other in a dating context, not as potential friends. Friendship requires its own foundation, one that you simply haven't had the chance to build.
The most compassionate choice here is often the cleanest one. Let him go. Thank him for the conversations you've shared, be honest that you're not feeling a romantic connection, and then give both of you the space to pursue connections that are fully aligned with what you're seeking.
This isn't about being harsh—it's about being clear and respectful of everyone's time and emotional energy. He deserves the opportunity to find someone who's genuinely excited about exploring a romantic connection with him, just as you deserve to keep looking for that spark you're seeking.
Trust your instincts. When something isn't aligned romantically, and you're not drawn to a genuine friendship, the kindest thing you can do is create space for what is meant to be.
With love and clarity, Sade