When Your Fear of Not Being "Enough" Keeps You from Real Love

Dating after divorce can feel like learning to walk all over again. You're building new confidence while carrying old wounds. But what happens when you meet someone who seems amazing—and suddenly you can't remember why you're amazing too?

Dear Sade,

I'm dating someone new after my divorce, and I'm terrified I'm not interesting enough for him. He's well-traveled, reads constantly, and can do math in his head faster than I can on a calculator. When we're together, I find myself either being overly nurturing (bringing him essential oils when he's sick) or staying completely quiet about anything that might make me look stupid.

I've been to 15 countries myself and have my own successful business, but around him I feel like I shrink. I keep thinking about how worldly and intellectual he is instead of just being myself. I'm so focused on whether I'm good enough that I'm not even getting to know who he really is. How do I stop putting him on a pedestal and actually show up as myself?

Intimidated in New Zealand

Dear Intimidated,

First, take a deep breath. What you're feeling is completely normal after divorce. You're rebuilding your sense of worth while trying to open your heart again—that's brave work.

Here's what I see happening: You're so busy studying him that you've forgotten to be yourself. You're like a student cramming for a test instead of two people getting to know each other.

Let's get real about this "pedestal" you've built. You've traveled to 15 countries—that's more than most people see in a lifetime. You run your own business. You're a trained massage therapist. You're raising a child. These aren't small things.

But your brain is playing tricks on you. It's taking his achievements and making them mean something about your worth. The truth? Someone can read every book in the world and still not know how to truly connect with another person. They can travel to 50 countries and still be emotionally unavailable.

Here's what I want you to try: Stop gathering evidence about why he's amazing and start paying attention to how you feel in your body when you're with him. Do you feel safe to be yourself? Can you disagree with him without fear? Does he ask about your life with genuine interest?

Real compatibility isn't about matching résumés. It's about how you feel when you're together without trying to impress each other.

The nurturing thing? That's your old pattern of trying to earn love through service. You already know this isn't working. Instead of bringing essential oils, bring your opinions. Instead of staying quiet about topics that interest you, share them.

Remember: if someone needs you to be less than you are to feel comfortable, they're not your person. The right partner will be curious about your 15 countries, excited about your business, and grateful for your nurturing heart—without you having to dim any other parts of yourself.

You're not trying to win him. You're trying to see if you fit together. Big difference.

Stop studying him and start being yourself. That's the only way you'll know if this is real.

Sade, Life Coach For Divorced Women