How to Find a Man Who Is Willing to Put in the Work: A Guide for Dating After Divorce
When you're ready to start dating after divorce, especially as a woman over 40, it's crucial to recognize the patterns that may have led to relationship disappointments in the past. Many divorced women find themselves repeatedly attracting men who aren't willing to put in the effort needed for a healthy relationship.
The "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect" Syndrome
If you're like many of my clients, you want help with no longer attracting low-effort men who don't want to do the work in relationships. This problem is directly tied to what I call "High Tolerance for Relationship Neglect."
This means that when you're with a man who puts minimal effort into the relationship, it doesn't bother you until it reaches excessive levels—often too late to salvage the connection.
How to Know If This Is You:
You don't notice until after the breakup that he was saying things, but his actions didn't match
You frequently find yourself doing more than your fair share of the relationship work—calling, creating conversation, scheduling fun and adventure
You find yourself in relationships with no mutual reciprocity. Your partners contribute less than is fair in attention, time investment and effort, but they always seem to have a good reason
You have a tendency to be over-responsible in all your relationships. You overgive and then feel betrayed when you finally realize you've been left with nothing
Why This Happens in Your Dating Life
If this sounds familiar, the root cause is that you've become content with not experiencing high levels of care and love. You underestimate what you want and need from a partner. It's possible that your emotional needs were not met as a child or in your previous marriage, and now you've become accustomed to being emotionally neglected.
When this happens, you have no idea what dating questions to ask or what to look for in a potential partner. The unhealthy behaviors continue for months before you realize that, once again, you need to go through a painful breakup.
Breaking the Cycle: When You're Ready to Date Again
To end this cycle of attracting low-effort men when dating after divorce:
Learn what your needs are - emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, intellectual, lifestyle. It's very likely that you are living at a much lower level of life opportunity than you have the potential for. Ask yourself: Are you living your best life? What areas are missing? What was missing from your childhood or previous relationships?
Make those needs your #1 priority. Your parents can no longer make the emotional deposits you needed as a child, and your ex-husband is no longer responsible for meeting your needs. It's now your responsibility to do this work. Become equipped to create a life where your needs are being met. Do you have emotional safety and calm? Do you have joy and a sense of fun and adventure?
Get clear on what a man who desires mutual reciprocity looks like. One of the most important dating questions to ask yourself is: How will you know he is willing to put in the effort? Write it out in detail. What actions demonstrate genuine interest and investment?
Observe your dates and make decisions based on your newfound clarity around effort. The dating scene for women over 40 requires wisdom and discernment—don't ignore red flags.
Walk away instead of spending 6 months tolerating neglect. When you see patterns of a low-effort man emerging, don't waste precious time hoping he'll change.
The Reward: Finding High-Effort Partners
Mastering these steps is how you stop attracting low-effort men in your dating journey after divorce. You will be able to spot them from miles away, and they won't even get the opportunity to waste your time. This leaves plenty of room for your high-effort teammate and partner to find you.
The process of getting clear on what a healthy relationship looks like—and when you're truly ready to date again—is one my clients apply in precise detail in our work together. By understanding your worth and refusing to settle for less, you set the stage for the fulfilling relationship you deserve.