Why You Shrink When Your Date Disagrees with You
Dear Sade,
I'm a divorced woman in my 40s who's been dating someone new. Things are going well, but I noticed something troubling about myself. When he challenges my ideas or shares his thoughts, I feel intimidated.
Recently, we were talking about a topic in my field, and he disagreed with something I said. Instead of just having a normal discussion, I immediately felt like he must know more than me and I should be grateful he was "teaching" me something. It felt gross afterward.
I think I do this with all men I date. I get so thankful for basic things - like when they share ideas or pay attention to me. I feel like a little kid getting candy from an absent parent. How do I stop acting like a grateful child and start showing up as an equal adult?
- Feeling Small
Dear Feeling,
Your awareness of this pattern is the first step to changing it. What you're describing is what I call "child energy" - when we become overly grateful for normal things because we're craving validation.
Think about it this way: when an absent parent shows up with candy, the child thinks it's the most incredible candy ever. But really, it's just regular candy. The parent who's there every day doing the real work - making meals, helping with homework, providing stability - those actions matter more, even though they seem ordinary.
You're doing the same thing in dating. When a man shares an idea or challenges your thinking, that's normal relationship behavior. It's not extraordinary. But because you're hungry for that connection and validation, you're treating these basic interactions like precious gifts.
Here's what you need to know: You already have expertise and value. Someone disagreeing with you doesn't mean they know more than you - it means they have a different perspective. That's it.
The solution isn't finding the "right" man who will finally give you that father figure validation you're craving. Even if you found him, the relationship would have an unhealthy dynamic.
You would not bring your gifts to the relationship, and in time, you might even resent him for being patronizing.
It’s your job to give yourself the confidence, validation and connection you’ve been craving, and become grounded enough to show up fully for a mutually reciprocal relationship.
Let both sides of yourself show up. You mentioned having a "soft, nurturing" side and a "bossy, opinionated" side. Both parts are you. Your masculine energy - that confident, direct part - needs to show up in your dating life. When you have strong opinions, express them. Don't hide your strength.
Remember: A healthy relationship means your partner sees and accepts all of you - when you're sad, happy, angry, flirty, opinionated, and everything in between. If you only show your grateful, accommodating side, you're not giving him a chance to know the real you. And you're not getting to see how he responds to your full self.
This isn't about him being able to "handle" your strength - it's about you liking yourself when you show up authentically
Your real strength is confident, direct, and warm. Trust that this man can handle the real you. And if he can't, then he's not your person.
You deserve a partnership where you both bring ideas and both show up fully. Stop being grateful for crumbs and start expecting the full meal.
Sade, Life Coach For Divorced Women
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